Daily Archives: February 8, 2009

I don’t know what to call this entry. For I am neither happy nor sad. My feelings at the moment have became numb. Very numb. All I know is I need to write this down, for I wish to recall what had happened on this day in this year when I reach a certain age. IF I reach the age.

There was a time in my memory that I lived in a beautiful land, without any fears of the world or beyond. Life had been a blessing every day, laughter and joyous moments, peaceful mind and away from any sickness. There were no worries. None whatsoever.

Just a moment ago, my imagination went wild.

I am not an orphan and I am definitely blessed with many siblings. My other half is an only child. He lost his mother more than a decade ago and he has the difficulty to accept that he is going to lose another parent. An orphan, that he will be. Everyday at our father’s bed side and seeing how he is deteriorating, has been a painful moment. There is no more cure, no more prevention. Father is at the final stage. We just hope and pray that he will reach his next birthday, February 28th. Can he reach? Will he reach? No one dares to hope but me. Father-in-law has been very strong, so he will sure be able to smile for another birthday.

“Are you in pain, pa?” I asked him.

“No, not so bad.” He replied. “It is just this lying in bed makes me so uncomfortable.”

Prostate cancer for 19 years, bones cancer since a year ago and a broken leg due to the fall last year at his appartment. And he is not in pain. The drugs. I forgot about them. He fell again last month, a couple of times. His doctor sent him to the only hospice in our city last week. This place accepts only 5 persons maximum. We pay EUR25.00 per day. But they are well taken care of. Special attention for special people.

You might think that we left our father there and do not take responsibility to take care of him on his last survival. Think whatever you like. For this is not some sort of a place for the elderly when their kids do not want to acknowledge them anymore. Our father is a very sophisticated person compare to his only son. He wants what is best for him and for his family. He has so many wishes and both of us the kids respect his wishes.

We come here everyday, after work or whenever we are not working. FIL has several good friends, his brother and his cousin and their spouses who come visiting him in the morning or in the afternoon.  The people who work there are volunteers. More than 60 volunteers in this place. They rotate 2 to 4 times a day and there are nurses staying at night as well.

For this luxury, we are thankful that our father is well taken care of. These people are so kind and warm-hearted.

I wanted to say something else but I ended up telling another tale. Although I have more to say, I fear it is midnight here. I have been carrying heavy things today, cleaning, packing stuff at FIL’s house so the furniture can already go tomorrow. Next week, we have to do more packing and empty the appartment as FIL feels he will not be going back to live there anymore. It is sad, isn’t it?

So many happenings in a short time as I also just lost my maternal greataunt on last Friday. She left to join her parents and her big sister (my grandmother) and also her younger brother. May her soul rests in peace.

My numbness is gone and I am going to say goodnight to you for I need another moment for myself and our Lord. Please pray for our father. Thank you.

With love,

Jenn